I have found myself in an environment where I hear the word “Hater” at least once per day. I found the following definitions in the Urban Dictionary (I thought it fitting that I start there.)

Hater (n.) A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So, rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

Hater (n.) A person who feels anger and/or jealousy for someone who has succeeded in something they have worked hard for. A being who speaks badly, and/or takes negative actions in an attempt to create problems for a successful person.

Apparently, Haters take many forms and will hate for any ol’ reason.  I want to meet some of these Haters because most of the Hatees (if you will) are simple people, doing everyday things. More often than not, Hatees are doing exactly what they want to do. Haters let Hatees know that they are succeeding at something. Haters give Hatees  confirmation that they are doing something worthy of  envy. Wouldn’t it be more productive to do something to get to the coveted Hatee status, rather than wasting energy hating? Haters are also highly irrational and cannot grasp this simple bit of  logic.

Do people pretend to have Haters?

Sometimes I think Hatees may not have as much Haters as they say they do.  I think Hatees like to pretend they have many Haters because it gives them another dimension. Allow me to explain; if I meet a person who appears to be a regular person but they keep mentioning that people are “hating on them,” should I automatically think there is more to them than meets the eye?  There has to be that thing they do while standing on their head, with one eye closed as they breathe through a straw out of their ears. Hating is jealousy, pure and simple. So, if this person is telling me they are hated on by scores of people then it simply means they are making tonnes of people jealous and I should therefore be impressed. Sorry, not so much.

You have Haters, now what?

Okay,  it’s been established that you have Haters and you may even be able to pick them out of a crowd, the first thing to do is pretend they don’t exist. Why keep talking about them? (If you are a “Wrapper” i.e. weak Rapper, then the hater will be mentioned in the third line of the first, second and third verse of every song. Haters may even take up the whole chorus but I digress.) They are hating you, this means you are at least 286 times better than they are (quick formula I developed). Don’t make Haters feel important, ignore them, you will be doing them a favor and discouraging this kind of  behavior in others.

Will all the Haters please stand up?

I want Haters to start identifying themselves. I want them to throw their hands in the air whenever  that Wrapper’s song is played. This of course will never happen because Haters are  also cowards.  They are afraid of being identified. They are afraid of failing, so, they won’t ever get started. They live vicariously through the Hatee. Let’s play a little game on Haters, offer to teach them something. Offer to help them become a Hatee. See how quickly they run away.  They may even ratchet up the hate a few notches.

Do I have Haters?

The 25 minutes I took writing this should have been spent practicing standing on my head  with one eye closed as I breathe through a straw out of my  ears. Until I  achieve this feat, I know I will have no Haters.  I will only have bashful lovers who  continuously experience technical difficulties with verbal expression.

What to do when you are unexpectedly faced with a Hater?

Next time you come across a Hater, real or imagined, just say ” I love you, too.”  They’ll never know what hit ‘em.