1 . Keep Away From PhDs – Do you have that one friend who will find a way to make every situation “a real issue?” This is usually the friend who is doing or has done a PhD in political science, literature, African studies or something that requires a great deal of commitment but would likely lead to a teaching career, policy making or director of a non-profit. This person will make you think about shit and may even spur you to volunteer in political campaigns or spend time trying to figure out how to reduce recidivism. You don’t give a shit, so to be safe, unfriend all PhDs and all PhD candidates.
2. Avoid Anyone that Shops at a Farmer’s Market - People who shop at farmer’s market may be very close to only buying locally grown produce. They more than likely care about the environment and may think you are the devil for shopping at Walmart.
These people will likely sign petitions to keep big box stores out of the neighborhood, they may even have a non-profit dedicated to helping people to do shit or not do shit. These people will also likely take their own bags to the grocery stores, run 5, 10, 15Ks and even marathons for charity. This person will only make you feel guilty about driving your non-hybrid car to the low price leader for your weekly purchase of farm raised tilapia, non-organic chicken and nitrate enriched bacon that you will no doubt double bag —in plastic!
3. If Someone Uses Vegan, Gluten free, Locovore and Organic Seriously in the Same Sentence, Run, Don’t Walk in the Opposite Direction. (Be careful not to trip over their vegan leather shoes.) This person is guaranteed to try to get you to give shits.
4. Only Watch Mindless Reality TV.
5. Use the Internet Only to Search Pictures of Cute Kittens and Puppies. I suggest you Google Boo, world’s cutest dog. If you don’t like kittens then you must like puppies. If you like neither, you’ve clearly figured out long ago that you have #noshitstogive. We should talk.
6. Steer Clear of Public Radio. It is the mission of public radio to give facts and educate people so they can start caring about shit. We’ve clearly established that this is the opposite of what you want to do. Always turn it off. Never listen. (I’m looking at you WNYC)
7. Never Workout - Working out is good for you. It releases endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Happy people give shits. You don’t want to give shits. Sit on your couch. Better yet, get a Hoveround. Never walk again.
8. Don’t Read Product Ingredient Labels - Honestly, if you knew what was in some of the food you consume you would probably lose all your shit (literally and figuratively.) Looking at food labels and questioning difficult to pronounce ingredients may lead you to Google them and try to learn why they are in your food and how they may affect you. Big mistake. Once you know, you can’t “unknow” and the longer you sit there knowing, the more likely it is that you will start giving shits. Besides, you are only suppose to use the internet to look up pictures of cute puppies, kittens and other mindless shit.
9. Eat Bacon With Every Meal. Com’ on, it’s BACON and you want to! Remember, you don’t give a shit, so there is nothing to stop you.
10. Question Nothing. Accept everything. Go with the flow. Be a damn sheep.
(Did you realize I gave you 10 when I promised 9? Or were you too busy not giving a shit?)